Saturday, January 3, 2015

My 2015 New Years Revelations

WOOOOO it’s time for the mystical turn of the calendar. It’s a magical time when people reflect on the year about to pass. And while cringing at memories of debauchery and chaos from that year, they make ‘resolutions’ to change their life and make the next year…better.  

Dumbassery I say! 

Everyone makes resolutions. I make revelations. It sheds light on the absurd and reveals a little about myself in the process.
My 2015 revelations: 

My Taste In Music Has Changed, And Must Change Again. I was a teen during the anti-disco movement. I shunned top 40 and bopped to music I thought was rebellious! The Clash, The Sex Pistols, Cheap Trick. As a DJ in college I blended my tastes into the ‘New Wave’. Imagine my shock when a few months ago I found myself bopping around to Taylor Swift’s ‘Shake It Off’! I texted my 25 year old son, in whom I have instilled my rebellious music choices. I said, ‘Son, is it weird that I like Taylor Swift’s new song?’ I waited hours for his response. Surely it would sooth my aging ego. Finally I heard the tinkle of my IPhone. His response was only one word…’Yes’.


I Watch The History Channel’s ‘Ancient Aliens’. Yes…I watch this show. It makes me laugh. It caught my attention last March and its nonsensical hypotheses have entertained me since. Especially when they focus on resident dumbass Giorgio A. Tsoukalos. This man’s hair makes Einstein’s look like a crew cut. They obviously use snippets from different interviews in an episode because his hair wondrously elevates and shortens throughout. It’s bewitching! Someday, I will create a drinking game based on this wizardry. 

I Need To Write More. I know, I know - once a month is not enough! Fucking A people, writing is hard. If it were easy, everyone would do it!

I Need To Get Wet More Often. To those who have read my blog, you may have noticed that I don’t like to get wet. When I have to go out in the rain, I bundle up like a Muslim in a waterproof burqa. I don’t take baths, I shower in the hope that I can stand in between the drops. I only swim when the temperature is as hot as the surface of the sun. That way when I get out of the water I am instantly dry. You can imagine my dilemma when it comes to working out. To get a good workout, you have to sweat. Sweating is odorous water on your body. Pardon me while I gag for a moment…To lose weight, you have to be active. To be active, you have to sweat. Once you sweat, you have to shower. You see my problem here? Anyway, I’m going to work out more to lose weight. No resolution here, just an abhorrent fact. SO I guess I’m going to get wet more...unless any of you out there know how to work out without sweating. Gag, heave, cough…ok, I’m better... 

Do Something Nice For Others Every Day. I got this one covered. Just allowing people to be near me IS ‘doing something nice for others’. My co-workers are privileged to have my snarkey comments, dirty looks, and overly dramatic sighs on a daily basis. My stark honesty keeps bullshit levels at bay. Fuck niceness – be truthful (and dramatic at the same time). 

‘Think with my Vagina’. I honestly don’t know what this means. I saw it as a Tweet on New Years Eve and it fascinated me. I would imagine you would have angry thoughts for a few days every month. Do you think with your vagina when you go grocery shopping? You’d end up with a cart filled with tampons, pads, douches, and maybe a large cucumber. Perhaps you think with your vagina when considering a job offer. ‘Oh, I’m sorry mister hunky CEO guy, but my vagina is telling me that this position, is not a good fit for me and I would probably be fired within the first few months. On the upside, my vagina says that I am indeed available for dinner tonight…'

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A writer exercising the writing muscle.