Sunday, January 25, 2015

FitBit To Be Tied

The Penguin March Badge
I got a badge today. The Penguin March badge. You see, when you walk 70 lifetime miles, you match the distance of the March of the Penguins - the annual trip the emperor penguins make to their breeding grounds. I guess I need to pee on a pregnancy stick now.

No I’m not a girl scout. Fuck, have you even read my blog

I’m the proud owner of a FitBit physical activity/fitness tracker. One of the thousands given as gifts this past Christmas. It tracks the steps you take, the stairs you climb, even your sleep. It sends emails to keep you motivated, and emails little badges when you reach a milestone. My brother Boris and his wife Natasha have one as well. My sister P.I.T.A. does not. She says she ‘doesn’t like to be tied down’. That’s a pity for her.
The FitBit One

FitBit ownership starts off as fun. Woo hoo, I walked 5,021 steps today! And you’re feeling proud and productive. Until you find out that your brother walked 9,989 steps. And your sister in law walked 10,200 steps. And you’re like, what the fuck? Did she tie the damn thing to the dog? 

My competitive nature kicked in. Now I’m hopping around while cooking dinner. Bringing the laundry down the steps a piece at a time. Taking the dogs for such long walks that Frank the Boston starts to sniff every piece of dead grass while giving me ‘are you fucking kidding me’ looks. 

The other day I got an email from my FitBit. The email said that I if I walk another 1,500 steps, I’d make ‘my’ goal of 10,000 steps. I sat there for a minute, my brain actually contemplating doing as told. I mean, it’s only 1,500 steps. Easy, right? But when did 10,000 become ‘MY’ goal? If it were that easy, then why didn’t I already have it done? I work hard, dance around my desk like Richard Simmons chasing Chris Hemsworth (cuz he's so dreamy) to get steps in. I take the stairs instead of the elevator (thankfully the building is only four floors). If I wasn’t so exhausted from constantly moving around like a god damned fire walker, I would have walked those extra steps already! Where’s the appreciation for the effort I already put in? Where’s the love now FitBit buddy? That email boarders on harassment! Are you heckling me FitBit ol’pal? I ignored the FitBit.

Thirty minutes later it sends me another email. It read, ‘I know you read my email A/I/K/E’ (for those who do not know, AIKE is the acronym for Assume I Know Everything). Those 1,500 steps aren’t going to walk themselves.’ Huh. When did we go on a first name basis? Wait, walk themselves? Oh that’s funny FitBit, you’re a regular laugh riot. That was so God damned funny, it gave me cancer! I ignored that email too. No glorified pedometer is going to intimidate me! I took the damned thing off and left it on the table. 

The phone in my pocket vibrated. It was another FitBit email. It read ‘You know, if you put the same effort into those steps that you put into placing me on the table, you would have exceeded your goal. I won’t be ignored A/I/K/E. Want some incentive? What’s that delicious odor coming from your kitchen? Gee, have you seen Frank lately?’… 

I sat bolt upright in my bed. The FitBit on my wrist that was tracking my sleep was gently vibrating to wake me up. (Yes, it has an alarm too! But can it julienne potatoes in the airlock of the space station while doing the macarena?) Frank was gently snoring on his pillow. I grabbed my phone. I had a new badge with a message. It was the 'No Slackers' badge. The message read, 'It was only a dream...this time!!!!!"

The No Slackers Badge

Saturday, January 3, 2015

My 2015 New Years Revelations

WOOOOO it’s time for the mystical turn of the calendar. It’s a magical time when people reflect on the year about to pass. And while cringing at memories of debauchery and chaos from that year, they make ‘resolutions’ to change their life and make the next year…better.  

Dumbassery I say! 

Everyone makes resolutions. I make revelations. It sheds light on the absurd and reveals a little about myself in the process.
  
 
My 2015 revelations: 

My Taste In Music Has Changed, And Must Change Again. I was a teen during the anti-disco movement. I shunned top 40 and bopped to music I thought was rebellious! The Clash, The Sex Pistols, Cheap Trick. As a DJ in college I blended my tastes into the ‘New Wave’. Imagine my shock when a few months ago I found myself bopping around to Taylor Swift’s ‘Shake It Off’! I texted my 25 year old son, in whom I have instilled my rebellious music choices. I said, ‘Son, is it weird that I like Taylor Swift’s new song?’ I waited hours for his response. Surely it would sooth my aging ego. Finally I heard the tinkle of my IPhone. His response was only one word…’Yes’.

Ouch!  

I Watch The History Channel’s ‘Ancient Aliens’. Yes…I watch this show. It makes me laugh. It caught my attention last March and its nonsensical hypotheses have entertained me since. Especially when they focus on resident dumbass Giorgio A. Tsoukalos. This man’s hair makes Einstein’s look like a crew cut. They obviously use snippets from different interviews in an episode because his hair wondrously elevates and shortens throughout. It’s bewitching! Someday, I will create a drinking game based on this wizardry. 

I Need To Write More. I know, I know - once a month is not enough! Fucking A people, writing is hard. If it were easy, everyone would do it!

I Need To Get Wet More Often. To those who have read my blog, you may have noticed that I don’t like to get wet. When I have to go out in the rain, I bundle up like a Muslim in a waterproof burqa. I don’t take baths, I shower in the hope that I can stand in between the drops. I only swim when the temperature is as hot as the surface of the sun. That way when I get out of the water I am instantly dry. You can imagine my dilemma when it comes to working out. To get a good workout, you have to sweat. Sweating is odorous water on your body. Pardon me while I gag for a moment…To lose weight, you have to be active. To be active, you have to sweat. Once you sweat, you have to shower. You see my problem here? Anyway, I’m going to work out more to lose weight. No resolution here, just an abhorrent fact. SO I guess I’m going to get wet more...unless any of you out there know how to work out without sweating. Gag, heave, cough…ok, I’m better... 

Do Something Nice For Others Every Day. I got this one covered. Just allowing people to be near me IS ‘doing something nice for others’. My co-workers are privileged to have my snarkey comments, dirty looks, and overly dramatic sighs on a daily basis. My stark honesty keeps bullshit levels at bay. Fuck niceness – be truthful (and dramatic at the same time). 

‘Think with my Vagina’. I honestly don’t know what this means. I saw it as a Tweet on New Years Eve and it fascinated me. I would imagine you would have angry thoughts for a few days every month. Do you think with your vagina when you go grocery shopping? You’d end up with a cart filled with tampons, pads, douches, and maybe a large cucumber. Perhaps you think with your vagina when considering a job offer. ‘Oh, I’m sorry mister hunky CEO guy, but my vagina is telling me that this position, is not a good fit for me and I would probably be fired within the first few months. On the upside, my vagina says that I am indeed available for dinner tonight…'

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A writer exercising the writing muscle.