Monday, June 30, 2014

The Bitch Of My Resting Face

‘Do you want to talk?’ ‘Are you mad at me?’ ‘Did you try some prunes?’ ‘Are you riding the crimson wave?’ ‘Christ on a cracker she’s in a foul mood - RUN!’ ‘What a bitch.’

In my lifetime I’ve heard many of these comments (except the last one because most people think my being a curmudgeon is adorable). They come from well-meaning people who want to help and up their karmic score at the same time. The thing is, there is usually nothing wrong. These people just had a glimpse of my…‘resting face’, also known as ‘Bitchy Resting Face’.

You know the one. You’re reading or looking off into space and all of your facial muscles relax (and maybe slide off of your skull like cheese sliding off of a pizza). There it is. The face that will be your death mask. If eyes are the window to the soul, then ‘bitchy resting face’ is the weathered window frame that falls out once you put an air conditioner in it.

‘Bitchy Resting Face’ is a term made popular by a Funny or Die video of the same name ( Since its release, the term has whole heartily been embraced and people have acknowledged their ‘disability’.

My concern is, now that the term is out there, people will assume that my sarcastic ‘you’re a fucking moron’ face is actually my bitchy resting face! I’ve spent years honing my face into a sharp sarcastic instrument. I’ve worked hard to look hostile! Able to wither the lamest of verbiage with just the twitch of an eyebrow. Adept at warning the biggest of block heads ‘Don’t even think of sitting next to me dumb ass. Seriously, you are the ass of the dumb.’

If people stop taking me seriously saying ‘she just looks like that’, how do I continue to provide the public service of letting them know they’re imbeciles? Christ, it's like saying I have facial Tourette's Syndrome! Ahhhhh!

What about the people who have ‘crazy serial killer eyes’ or ‘under your skirt picture taker arm’? Do they get a free pass too? Because I’m pretty sure that serial killer eyes belong to a serial killer and the guy whose arm hangs low and tilts to the side just took a picture of your tighty whities.

So remember readers, our efforts to be politically correct can sometimes do more harm than good. If the stranger you say hello to says 'drop dead', chances are they mean it. And If the person you consider sitting next to looks like they will cut you, don’t be surprised when they do...

1 comment:

  1. This face I know well!

    Says the dumb ass....


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A writer exercising the writing muscle.