Sunday, March 2, 2014

'Hair' Brained TV

It's one of those ‘at home’ days where one does laundry, cleans a little, and catches up on TV.

Bored, I flipped through the multiple political talking head channels. I landed on the History channel and was frozen in place.

WTF is that!

It was a head of a different nature. Its smarmy snake eyes vacantly stared out through the television and instantly mesmerized me. I had no power left in my thumb to click on another channel. It was too late, I was stuck there. My mouth hung agape and I could feel the drool pooling in the corner of my mouth.

'Must watch' TV indeed.

As I regained some of the feeling in my brain, I wondered what the hell it was on that man's head. A ferret? Ostrich feathery fur?

I marveled at what can only be described as 'frankenhair'. Hair so frightening, so tall, so ‘stiff’ (like Cameron Diaz's hair in 'There's Something About Mary') that I was afraid to look away. This bloviating buffoon had skin so oily that I could only assume the bullshit was trying to escape through his pores. Who's this marvel of freakology?


Giorgio A. Tsoukalos is one of the 'Ancient Alien Theorist' experts frequently featured on the History channel show 'Ancient Aliens'.

Well ...just look at the man! He has Einsteinic hair for crap sake!  To sport a quaff like that the man must be a confident freaking genius!

As I listened to how the ancient city of Atlantis was actually the victim of a mass abduction by said aliens, I fired up my laptop to find this man's credentials. I mean, in order to spew crazy ass 'theories' as vomitous certainties you have to have some kind of high brow PHD or something, right? Without a background or PHD, isn't a theory just an uneducated guess that's closer to making shit up?

As I searched, I realized that Giorgio's hair actually reminded me of Rob Schneider of 'Deuce Bigalow' fame or better yet...Phil Spector.


Google told me that Giorgio's alma matter is not 'Space Harvard Correspondence School', but Ithaca College in Ithaca, New York. Bet Ithaca College has a whole wing dedicated to Giorgio's brilliance. What? No? Oh, my bad.

Google also tells me that his degree is...a PHD in Physics? No. Astronomy? No. Ancient History? Again no. He has a bachelor's degree in sports information and communication. Whhhaaaa?

This 'Ancient Alien Theorist' was a 'body building promoter' in his early years ('Mr. Olympia') and then he went into publishing! He was the publisher of the now defunct Legendary Times magazine. Blah, blah, blah...

The crux of this whole thing is that any moron can sit in front of a camera and sound like they know it all. In fact, I frequently assume I know everything. What amazes me is that any rube can actually get their flagrantly flimsy hypothesis aired on cable TV as long as it has some production value. Doesn't anyone check these bumpkins out?

When I watch the History Channel - I want real history. When I watch Syfy, I want to see bad science fiction movies. When I watch MTV I want music video's not pregnant teens aspiring to be porn stars. If I wanted to watch a bunch of blowhards with weak credentials give shitty opinions - many with bad hair by the way - I'd watch Fox News.

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A writer exercising the writing muscle.