Saturday, February 8, 2014

February the 14th


Can you feel it? The air is charged with a tension produced by millions of single people dreading a ‘pseudo holiday’ created to make them feel even more alone than they already do.



In December, weeks prior to Christmas, retailers placed Valentine’s Day cards and heart candy right next to Santa, candy canes and fruit cake. As if to say, ‘Not freaking out enough about being alone for Christmas? Not worried about who you’re going to kiss on New Year’s Eve? Well then people, there’s another event right around the corner invented to give you that last little push towards sticking your head in an oven.’

Valentine’s Day.

Ta dah! You’re alone loser! Let’s celebrate by eating frosting out of the tub and mainlining raw cookie dough. Make sure you wear clean underwear and have makeup on because you may meet a nice doctor once you come out of your diabetic coma!

Oops, did I type that out loud? Sorry…

Anyway…believe it or not, February 14th is also home to many other celebratory events! What follows is a short list of some of my favorites.

Singles Awareness Day or Singles Appreciation Day: Wait…what? So there are people out there who are NOT aware that there are single people? Let me get this straight…we are so pathetic that we get a day to be ‘appreciated’ by non single people? Because I’m pretty sure other single people can already appreciate what we’re going through. WOW! Why not place us in a museum exhibit so couples can point and throw chocolate at us? A diorama of the pitiful. When you get to me, I prefer dark chocolate caramels, thank you!

National Condom Day: That’s just cold people. Cold…

League of Woman Voters Day: Vote! Vote to NEVER let the babbling bigots of singledom make you feel like any less of a person because you are an individual and not a unit.

National Donor Day: I’d donate my heart, but it’s sealed in cement, wrapped in chains, and buried in an undisclosed location. I’m not bitter!

World Marriage Day: Well why the hell not. Of course…there are many states where couples cannot celebrate the joy of being married. You may not be able to make it legal, but you can still point and laugh at the rest of us! At least we have equal opportunity abuse!

Library Lovers Day: Notice how someone got the word ‘Lovers’ in there? Anyway, a long time ago, people had to read books and newspapers to get information. Large collections of said items were housed in massive buildings where talking was prohibited. These buildings were called ‘Libraries’. Legend has it that singles used to gather there on February 14th. Libraries were a refuge for those who had no place else to go but didn’t want to be completely alone. People could sit together reading and commiserating in silence.

These observances are not made up. You can find an even bigger list at the following website: http://www.brownielocks.com/month2.html.

As for me, I'll be celebrating the 14th at my local library. I'll be the woman eating candy kisses wrapped in Christmas color foil and reading Poe's classic, 'The Tell Tale Heart'. I'll save you a seat next to me.

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A writer exercising the writing muscle.