Sunday, January 26, 2014

A Tale Of Ghost Ships And Cannibal Rats

The playwright George Bernard Shaw said, 'You don't stop laughing when you grow old, you grow old when you stop laughing.’ 
I’ve been feeling very old lately and need to start laughing. Just when I was about to put my hair up into a bun, start sporting ‘Depends’ and buy a new rocking chair, I caught a story on the news that made me laugh. Not a maniacal crazy lady laugh (that's for special occasions), but a ‘wow that’s weird’ laugh.
On the evening news, I caught the tail end of a story about a rat-infested 'ghost ship'. How do you get rid of a bunch of ghost rats? Ghost cats? I fired up the laptop and started searching. Oh! A ghost ship WITH rats…silly me.
To my off-kilter delight, they’re not just everyday ordinary rats…they’re ‘cannibalized’ rats. Ewwww…just when you thought that the word ‘rat’ was enough to make you regurgitate, adding the word ‘cannibalized’ takes it to a whole new level of repugnant. 
Here’s the scoop on the ship: it’s a private Russian cruise ship called the Lyubov Orlova. The Russian owners ran into financial trouble and the ship was confiscated by Canada in 2010. In 2012 the Canadians sold the ship for scrap metal and began to tow it to the Dominican Republic. As could only happen in an awful Paris Hilton horror movie, the towline snapped and the ship made a break for freedom. 

Thought: How the hell slow was the ship towing the Lyubov Orlova that they couldn’t catch up to it and re-tow? What was the conversation there? “Hey hoser, the towline broke. Huh. Oh well, let's go home - eh?”

After floating near some Canadian offshore oil installations, the Canadians got their ‘gitch’s’ in a wad and decided it may be a good idea to capture the ship…but not to complete the original mission. The Canuk’s decided to tow the thing into international waters and release it into the wild.

I have an issue here. If I had a piece of shit car that I no longer wanted would it be legal for me to drive it across the US border into Canada and abandon it? Hmmmm?

Okay, back to the rats. It’s ‘thought’ that the ship, which sat in dry dock from 2010 to 2012, was infested with rats. Logic alert: I’m not a rodent professional, but if there was no food on the ship, why would there be rats? And what do you mean ‘thought’. There is no proof? Now that the ship is floating toward urban legendstan, the rats have nothing else to eat but each other. Hence cannibalized rats. 

In March of 2013 authorities picked up signals from two of the ships lifeboats that must of fallen off of the ship and landed in the water. This gave an approximate location of the ship. It seems the ship floated across the Atlantic and was heading toward Britain and Ireland. But when dispatched, the Irish Coast Guard did not find her. (DUH! It’s a ‘Ghost Ship’ – major eye roll.)

British tabloids are saying that a big storm could give the ship a push and send it toward England or Ireland. Or over the flat edge of the world. Bloody hell!

Once the ship crashes into England, I’m assuming that Sherlock Holmes will be called upon to deduce how to stop the cannibal rats from infesting the Queens land. Then Jack the Ripper of ‘Ye Olde Rodent Exterminators’ will be dispatched to squash the vermin scum.

Meanwhile, back in reality…The UK Maritime and Coast Guard Agency stated that there have been no sightings of the vessel since April. There was report of an EPIRB signal (an emergency beacon that only activates when a ship has sunk) from the ship. Therefore, maritime experts feel that the ship most likely sunk and they are not wasting any more time on it.

But I am. I’m betting the Syfy channel is working on ‘Sharknado’ versus ‘Cannibal Rat Cruise Ship’ in the ‘Polar Vortex’ as we speak. 

Hey Syfy – I’m looking at you! I have a script in the can! Call me!

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A writer exercising the writing muscle.