Friday, January 3, 2014

Shovel Snowverkill

I'm sure you've realized by now that I'm a curmudgeon. A crabby, perimenopausal, ‘you kids get off my lawn’ screaming, sourpuss. I wasn’t always this way. It took a lot to kill my dreams and stomp out the optimism. But here I am. Gotta love me! 

I know I’ve been doing a lot of bitching about the snow in Eastern Pennsylvania. One may ask, ‘Why don’t you move somewhere warm’. It’s a good question and there are two answers to that. One: 75% of my family unit, whom I love and need to be near, lives here. Two: There is only one thing I hate more than freezing precipitation and that is extreme heat and humidity. Ironic huh? 
So never fear my readers! There is always some type of bitching to look forward to from A/I/K/E!

Eastern PA has been getting slammed with a lot of snow lately. Since I've spent many hours shoveling, I thought I would share what I have learned thus far.
First: Find a man or a kid to do it. This is back breaking work! Kids are young enough to shovel and then spend a dozen more hours making a fort in it. You give them a few bucks and they will come back after every storm to shovel your car out. Men are useless for anything other than sex and trying to fix things that you will have to call a professional to fix later. I know a woman who will look up how to fix something on YouTube, watch the video, and do it herself all before her husband is even aware something is broken! Shoveling snow is a simple and uncomplicated chore for men (unless they have a 'snow blower'). Set them up to succeed!
Second: If there is no kid or man around to shovel, I use this little known trick to give me incentive to keep going. It’s a drinking game. I take a swig of my Vodka or Southern Comfort, put the cap back on, and throw the bottle a foot in front of me into the snow. Shovel to it and start again. Don’t throw the bottle more than a foot in front of you! You’ll end up shoveling the whole block looking for it. If you can't find the bottle, you may want to move. When the snow melts you'll have to deal with all the gossip concerning the sea of half filled bottles in front of your house.
Third: Your nose constantly runs. Once snot exits the nostril, it freezes. Then your face looks like a smeared glazed donut. Not attractive ladies.
Fourth: Snow is wet. It’s water vapor frozen into ice crystals that falls in white flakes. It might look pretty and fluffy while you’re out there, but when you finish shoveling and step back into your home you are drenched in water. I don’t like to get wet
Fifth: One needs to dress in layers to keep warm, but as you shovel you sweat (I HATE TO SWEAT). You begin to peel off each layer of clothing until you are down to your hoody. Not so good in minus 5 degree weather or bad neighborhoods.
Sixth: I am advised that shoveling snow is a great workout. What is this word w o r k o u t? Does it make you sweat? Because I hate to be wet. The ‘workout’ may bring down my blood sugar, but I get so pissed that I have to shovel that it raises my blood pressure. I’m not sure which is worse.
Seventh: Did you know that if the roof of your dwelling is flat, you have to shovel that too? No shit. The weight of the snow may cause a cave in. What do you do? You can’t send a kid up there, that’s child endangerment! If you send your man up there you know he will end up in the hospital. Then YOU have to shovel while you take care of the man baby as he’s in physical therapy all winter. What to do…what to do…
Eighth: I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. Little dogs won’t poo in snow. This means I have to shovel the grass. Yeah, you read that right. ‘SHOVEL THE GRASS’. Not only do I have to clean my car, shovel my car out, shovel the roof, and shovel my walk…I also have to shovel a section of my lawn for my spoiled, prima donna pooch’s. Then C.U. Frank freaks out every time he finds a black walnut. Weird.
As always, the more I learn the more I will share with you! Keep dry, be smart, and let’s be careful out there!

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A writer exercising the writing muscle.