Thursday, December 12, 2013

While My Vagina Gently Weeps

Sniff, sniff...blow...

Did you read my post A Vagina Monologue?

Sharon Osbourne now says that she lied to us! That whole vagina tightening thing? Never happened!

I don't know how to react. I've been depressed all day, walking around in what I assume are grey bunny slippers (see I Love Joan Rivers for a bunny explanation). I am astounded that a celebrity of her caliber would lie to us! And then say 'oh it was only a joke'!


I suppose the whole 'I screwed Jay Leno' thing was a joke too?

Pausing to gag...

...still gagging...

Ok...nope, still gagging...

Who in their right mind would joke about a woman's sensitive area like that? How is pulling vaginal skin so tight that your pubic hair is now located around your waist funny? You don't hear guys walking around saying, 'Duh, yeah I did it. I had my penis tightened. When I take Viagra my Johnson looks smooth and brand spanking (wink, wink) new.' (Insert Disney's 'Goofy' laugh).

Now I don't know if I should believe Jennifer Love Hewitt's 'vagazzle' story either. Perhaps I should return the sparkle, glitter and 'Gorilla Glue' I bought last week...

(On a side note: If her 'vagazzling' is true, I wonder if Jennifer's lady parts were decorated for the birth of her know, bring the kid in with Hollywood spot lights and glitter...just wondering...)

Well Sharon, I've learned my lesson. Never will I trust a celebrity again. I will cancel my appointment for vaginal rejuvenation and return to rolling it up in my Spanx.

Shame on you! I suppose Ozzy never actually bit the head off of a bat either... I feel so betrayed.

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A writer exercising the writing muscle.