Thursday, December 19, 2013

Say It Ain't Snow!

'Dashing through the snow,
My back wheels begin to sway,
O'er the bank I go,
Screaming all the way!
Sirens start to blare,
Making spirits dark,
What fun it is to drive and skid
In ice caked snow tonight...'




No, I didn't have a car accident in the wretched Pennsylvania snow. I saw a few. I felt the back of my car sway many times (if I went over 15 MPH). But I am safe.

However, this December finds me in an 'Ebenezer'' like mood. Bah humbug people. Bah freaking humbug. The holidays are upon us and I am just not feeling the magic. Why you may ask? Geez, I guess I would have to say...it's because of the fucking snow.

Why hello there lady. Do you have things to do, places to go, halls to deck? Well, now you don't, because we're unleashing some frozen shards of glass-like precipitation your way! Happy fucking holidays!

I hate, loath, abhor snow and her bitch sister ice. Why all this venom towards the weather you ask?

Because: 

It makes me feel claustrophobic, stranded, stuck, fastened to my home.

My little dogs, Frank and Buster (whom you met in Walnuts of War), do not want to pee or poo outside. Being good dogs, they don't pee or poo inside either. I'm afraid they're going to explode...

Frank turns his body into a question mark as if to ask, 'Can we go the hell in?'. 'No Frank, not until you poo.' Apparently, both are content to hold it until spring...

Snow is wet. (See my post 'Sweat Cycle')

Shoveling. It's worse than wet sand at the beach. It's heavy. It's wet. There's a lot of it. There's no place to put it. By the time you've shoveled your side walk, cleaned and shoveled your car out of it's space (only to have a plow go by and re-bury it), you will need to be in traction for the rest of the winter. But that luxury is not for you pal because you will have to start all over again in 24 hours once the next storm has passed...

It's wet. (See above)

Children are out of school. What parent doesn't love to hear 'I'm bored' for hours on end? Or take an hour to get them dressed warmly so they can go out for 5 seconds and come back in because it's cold.

Hat head. You want to keep warm and keep your hair dry, so you don a trendy hat. By the time you get to work and take the hat off, your hair looks like a vacu-form helmet. Only cool if you're in the 80's band Devo...

NOTHING is waterproof. Coats, gloves, hats, boots, my temper...

It's SO damned wet.

If you're dreaming of a white Christmas and hoping Jack Frost nips at your nose, we are going to have issues my friend. The holidays are just days away! This Grinch is way behind in preparation and doesn't 'Ho Ho Ho' in the snow!  Did I mention that it's wet?

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A writer exercising the writing muscle.