Sunday, December 8, 2013

Christmas Reality Style

WTF, how is it December already? I still have furniture on my deck! I still haven’t raked the fall leaves (LOL, as if I would ever rake leaves). I still have rotten, grinning, gourds on my step. How did it sneak up on me? 
 
Maybe it’s because the fake Christmas trees were hiding behind the ‘back to school’ supplies in August and the Halloween decorations in September, so I’ve learned to ignore it’s approach.
 
Out for a drive last night, I couldn’t help but notice all the damned twinkling fake icicle lights hanging from roof tops. Ugly Duck Dynasty lawn Santa’s with glittering cammo reindeer. The oh so fucking ugly blow up, lit, pseudo Macy’s Parade balloons that lay on the lawn deflated during the day (they are the most hideous of decorations…ever). 
 
Mele Kalikimaka it’s Christmas time again!
 
Since all the ‘good’ Christmas specials were shown in November (and will be repeated all of December until our eyes bleed), and generation ‘whatever’ won’t come out of their bubble long enough to watch black and white non-3D movies (thereby missing the best holiday movies EVER - such as 1951's A Christmas Carol starring Alastair Sim, It’s A Wonderful Life with James Stewart…COME ON PEOPLE!), I thought I would help the entertainment industry and come up with a few ideas for ‘reality’ Christmas events. 
 
(You may snicker, but ABC just announced Lights, Camera, Christmas!, a new competition series in which 16 families from across America decorate their homes for some large grand prize. Kind of makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside…)
 
How about:
 
Queer Eye For That Santa Guy or Fashion Christmas Star: Santa’s been wearing the same outfit for a millennium. Don’t you think it’s time he had a makeover?
 
Real Housewives of The North Pole: Hide the hot buttered rum, that Mrs. Claus is a real be-yotch when tipsy! 
 
Christmas Dinner: Impossible or Chopped: Christmas Edition: Contestants have to come up with a memorable holiday dinner made from the following ingredients: Reindeer Balls, Candy Canes, snow, ice and celery.
 
Elves and Tiaras: Cranky underpaid toy makers go head to head with toddlers in the ultimate Christmas Pageant. 
  
Tinsel or No Tinsel: Can you pick the suitcase with the 24 carat tinsel? Or will you get stuck with the coal?
 
Well people, my other genius ideas are: Naughty or Nice?: Can you change your position on the list? Pimp My Sled, Santa Idol, The Great Holiday Race, Project Rednose, and Naked and Afraid at the North Pole…
 
Tell me, dear readers, can you come up with an idea for a holiday reality TV show?

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A writer exercising the writing muscle.