Sunday, December 1, 2013

A Vagina Monologue

When I fired up the magic fire box (also known as the computer) today, my eyes were assaulted by a headline that said Sharon Osbourne had her vagina tightened. 

Let’s take a moment to let that sink in. Vagina…tightened…those two words were in the same sentence. 


To help my male readers understand, close your eyes and envision ‘balls tightened’. Get it? I thought so.

My eyes were burning and blurry. My brain felt swollen and purulent with the image of Sharon’s vagina burned into it. What was it Ozzy sang? ‘Mental wounds not healing’? Now we know why. 

We all know that Sharon is not one to hold things back or to hide behind her celebrity. She likes to be up front and honest about issues…but today she seems to be one of the many celebrities who have slipped into T.M.I. territory. 

As I gently flush my grey matter with a little ‘antiseptic’ to erase the billowing, floppy vaginal image from my brain, let’s look at another vaginal T.M.I. moment. 

In 2010, Jennifer Love Hewitt was a guest on George Lopez’s now defunct talk show. She was there to talk about her newly released book and said:

“After a breakup, a friend of mine Swarovski Crystaled my 'precious lady' and it shined like a disco ball, and so I have a whole chapter in there about how women should 'vagazzle' their vajayjays”.
Personally, I don’t think there is anyone I would let ‘vagazzle’ my lady parts. How exactly is it done? Duct tape? Super glue? Thumb tacks? It just doesn’t sound…’pretty’ or comfortable. 
Tell me male readers, because I really want to know…you’re with your woman, you part her great divide and suddenly its 1975 and you are ‘blinded by the light’. Is this something that would excite you? Do tell…
I’m all for people getting to know their vagina. We can talk about, compare, even show it if you want. But please, please, please leave the delicate flower in its original state. No one needs to hear it jingle because you had things pierced, watch it glow because it’s vagazzled, or see its face lift scars. 
To my older ‘sisters’, I say it’s a natural part of aging. Roll it up and deal with it. To my younger sisters I say leave it in its natural state. Nobody wants to see your Disney princess in full regalia. A guy is lucky that you let him near your vagina; you don’t need to add carnival rides.


  1. now i know why you have over 1000 readers


  2. Because I used the word 'vagina' in a blog? LOL, I will have to use the word 'penis' next time!


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A writer exercising the writing muscle.