Friday, September 6, 2013

The Male Stupid Gene

I propose an experiment. Take one married/divorced woman from every culture and country. Different languages. Different values. Different religions. Different mind sets all together. 

Now put them all in a conference room or a convention center. On a big screen, a PowerPoint presentation asks them to make a list of the top 10 things that really bother them about their men (male children, husbands, boyfriends).

95 percent of those lists will be identical (if you ignore the odd 'racing our good round of cheese down the hill', 'fencing with the bull' or 'spending too much time with the sheep'). 

Why will this be? 

The stupid gene.

The stupid gene is dormant in the early childhood of a male and will remain that way until he is near, or at puberty. From infancy Mom will go the extra mile to teach him respect, neatness, hygiene, helping out in the kitchen, the proper way to use a fork and spoon (or just to use a fork and spoon), and how foul odors are not acceptable.

Then one morning Mom wakes to find a trail of cereal leading from the still open cabinet it used to reside in, to the living room. There she finds some kid in his underwear eating an entire box of cereal directly from the box. No worries Mom, he poured milk into the plastic liner of that box. The milk is cascading down his chest, soaking into the couch and his underwear. He's watching a cartoon that had a parental block. Apparently the evil genius figured out how to bypass it. 

Mom is speechless.

With innocence he says, 'Hi Mom'. He sets the box on the couch (like it's something he does all the time). He scratches his tummy and announces, 'I'm going to piss'. Mom, with her mouth hanging open, follows the stranger and is shocked to find that he did not close the bathroom door. Apprehensively, she peeks in to find the 'pod boy' is indeed peeing, but in an effort to see himself flex in the mirror he is mostly missing the toilet and urinating on the floor, the rug, and the cabinet. Leaving the toilet seat up, urine on the floor, rug, cabinet, and not washing his hands he runs past Mom into her son's room saying, 'Geez Mom! Privacy?' 

Mom thinks, 'Oh, I could tell you wanted privacy by the way you left the fucking bathroom door open thereby scarring my corneas'. However, she has been struck mute and could not spit her sarcasm out in time. She follows the doppelganger to her son's room. 

Overnight that adorable little room turned into a toxic tornadic den of disaster. Clothes and garbage are all over the floor. Pictures of cartoon characters have been replaced with some buxom Disney Channel vixen and a rock group named 'Satan's Bowels'. Speaking of Satan's bowels, where is that smell coming from? She watches as he picks two shirts out of what she can only assume are dirty laundry piles on the floor, and DEEPLY inhales both of them. 

The bile rises in the back of her throat. 

To her shock he puts one of those shirts on. Hopefully, the one that is least smelly, but at this point does it really matter? 

Eyes filled with tears (from odor), Mom just walks away. It's happened. After all her hard work she couldn't stop it. The stupid gene kicked in. 

Mom walks past the living room where her husband/boyfriend/man is now sitting on the couch in his underwear, finishing the cereal left soaking in the box and watching Bugs Bunny cartoons (or ESPN - they are both the same). As he giggles at Bugs Bunny in a dress (or some sports guy), his mouth (filled with cereal, milk gushing out of the sides) slurs something like, "Mumning Humny". 

Okay, perhaps it doesn't happen exactly like this, but every woman out there knows it does happen to their male children. It's biological (like girls getting their period and turning into an emotional bratapuss). There is NOTHING you can do about it. You have to work around it... 

Because women know there is nothing they can do about it, they make excuses for their husbands/boyfriends/men etc., and allow:
  • The little piles (books, comics, clothes, assorted paper) all over the place.
  • The empty glasses on end tables.
  • The wet towels thrown on the bed.
  • The toilet paper rolls not replaced.
  • The shoes left in the middle of the floor for you to trip over. 
  • The empty containers gently placed back in the cupboard or refrigerator.
  • The shaved facial hair all over the sink and floor.
  • The long descriptions of their favorite bowel movements.
  • The urine on the floor.
  • The poo and fart jokes.
  • The homo-erotic obsession with their 'Bro's'.
  • The set of power tools they thoughtfully bought YOU for YOUR (name the event).
  • Having to praise them for hours because they cleaned off the table for you (placing the dishes not in the sink, not in the dishwasher, but near the sink) once in six months.
And don't give me this shit about, 'My metro-sexual husband never does that!' Yes babe, he does. He just knows how to cover it up better. 

Once activated the stupid gene is in production for the life of the male. You can try to slip them some estrogen, but it won't reverse the stupidity. It will only make them more weepy when you bring up the fact that they've been wearing the same smelly, un-laundered (insert sport team here) shirt all week.

Is there something about your man that drives you crazy?

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A writer exercising the writing muscle.