Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Careless Whiskers

I have noticed a troubling trend amongst some men…long, biblical, raggedy, scruffy, pubic looking masses of facial hair…also known as a beard. I can only assume that those wacky rubes from ‘Duck Dynasty’ are the inspiration for this hideous style. Fight it men, be brave and fight it! 

I will admit I don’t mind the roguish looking, well manicured, permanent five o’clock shadow. But those endless strands of facial twine rubbing against my body are just unattractive, painful, and honestly grody (eww, I just threw up a little in my mouth).

When a scrunchy is required it should not be for your face. 

I am aware of the studies stating that men see other men with beards as having a higher social status and being more masculine. Well that may be so, but unless it’s another man you’re sucking face with, that wad of facial steel wool has got to go. 

There are many reasons as to why men want an unkempt mass of dreadlocks on their face. For example:

1)    It’s warm. Okay, if you’re living in a hut in Antarctica, I get it. If you’re a survivalist in the Alaskan wilderness, I get it. If you’re a lumberjack, I get it. (And as an FYI, I wouldn’t be pruning any part of my body either.) However, if you’re a mechanic in New Jersey, then buy a fucking scarf. It just doesn’t get ‘that’ cold. Besides, it’s dangerous to work near a car and have that long mantle of whiskers dangling near the engine.

You know what else is warm? The dogs you’ll need to adopt to sleep with ‘cuz no female will.

2)    It’s comfortable. If it’s so damn comfortable, then why are you constantly scratching, rubbing and twisting it? Sure, it seems cool that you can drink a beverage, wring out your beard and have another, but you do know you have to wash it right? As with all ‘hair’, it needs to be cleansed. You must wash out the remnants of your midnight snack, the pancake syrup and any other food stuff adhering to it.

You know what else is comfortable? Being all alone and sharing a can of tuna with your 37 cats.

3)    It’s handy. Using your beard as a hand towel, a window wipe, or a snot rag is unacceptable.

You know what else is handy? A God-damned razor.

4)    It’s manly. So is a job, which you will be unable to keep (if you have one) or obtain (if you’re ‘in between’). Other manly things you’ll have to avoid: Riding a motorcycle – the beard will get caught in the wheels or you’ll need a side car to cart it around. Driving a sports car – the beard will not fit in the vehicle. Playing a sport – that thing will be ripped out of your face in seconds. Looking like a medieval wizard – that’s nerdy, not manly.

You know what else is manly? A girlfriend. That would be a woman you wouldn’t have to blow up or pay to spend time with.


So men, don’t give in to your inner werewolf and listen to those doltish woolly bumpkin’s on ‘Duck Dynasty’. I guarantee that unless you’re making as much money as those swampy yokels, women will avoid you and your beard like a hillbilly albino avoids the sun.

I’ll get the scissors…

Beards put the 'nasty' in 'Duck Dynasty'

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A writer exercising the writing muscle.