Thursday, August 29, 2013

Feet Are Gross

I don’t like feet. Even properly cared for feet are disgusting. That’s why feet are located under the ass. Feet are so gross even the ass needed a long leg to separate it from those germ carrying, corn pocked, bunion bent, poo squashing, flakey, sponges of stink. 


I’ve seen so many grody feet in my lifetime that I guess I have developed a version of Podophobia (the fear of feet). In my version, I don’t fear feet – I just don’t want to look at or be near them. And don’t you dare touch me with them…I will turn into the incredible she hulk and beat you over the head with your own leg – foot still attached. 

As a kid, a relative of mine always wore flip flops or sandals. Even in the winter, this person would shovel snow in flip flops. The feet became dry and cracked and literally flakey with dead skin. My brother Boris and I used to joke that the feet of our relative looked like pie crust. Sure, we laughed then…but I couldn’t eat flakey pie crust for a LONG time. This was way before pedicures were the in thing. And they didn’t have the cheese grater foot thingy either. All they had was a ‘pumice stone’. 

I was at the beach once, and a family laid their blanket near ours. As the blanket hit the sand, the old man’s foot came perilously close to me. As I looked down at his encroaching foot, I saw that his toe nails looked like corrugated card board. I moved quickly, only to see that his son’s toe nails looked like Fritos and bent outward. YUCK! A fungal podiatal nightmare! I screamed and jumped up. Everyone looked at me as if I had a clam grabbing my ass. I haven’t eaten Frito’s since. 

There are those who like to walk about barefoot. On the sidewalk they’re stepping in other people’s hockers, toxic waste, urine, food etc. In the grass they’re literally stepping in shit and pee from dogs, cats, squirrels, rabbits, skunks, ground hogs, birds and more. Bug poo? I have it on good authority that it’s there and being stepped on. I can’t imagine someone running around in the grass and then wanting me to rub their feet. I’d rather play with raw chicken…

Have you ever seen long toe nails? Some curl under and around the tip of the toe. Others curl upward on the sides like a weed growing towards the sun. Tragically, pedicures have become the hip thing for the ladies in the summer. For a French pedicure, they let the nail grow longer. I guess since they’re not wearing socks in the summer, they can grow them that long. But what happens if they have to wear hose? They’ll ‘run’, laddering up the leg like ivy to a wall. Unless it's the a punk look they're going for, it’s just not cool. What happens when a lady is having sex with her man? Once she rubs those bayonets up her mans leg, he will walk away shredded and bloody. 

So take my word for it, stay away from other people's feet. And when that special someone asks for a foot rub, suppress that shudder and tell them you'd rather poke your eye out with a rusty fork found in the boot of a dead hobo.

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4 comments:

  1. only you would blog about feet.

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    Replies
    1. LOL. They are the most disgusting thing on the human body!! Thanks for reading my blog!

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  2. That's because they are really really gross...

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    Replies
    1. Thank you 'feet are gross' supporter! And thanks for visiting my blog.

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