Thursday, December 19, 2013

Say It Ain't Snow!

'Dashing through the snow,
My back wheels begin to sway,
O'er the bank I go,
Screaming all the way!
Sirens start to blare,
Making spirits dark,
What fun it is to drive and skid
In ice caked snow tonight...'

Thursday, December 12, 2013

While My Vagina Gently Weeps

Sniff, sniff...blow...

Did you read my post A Vagina Monologue?

Sharon Osbourne now says that she lied to us! That whole vagina tightening thing? Never happened!

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Christmas Reality Style

WTF, how is it December already? I still have furniture on my deck! I still haven’t raked the fall leaves (LOL, as if I would ever rake leaves). I still have rotten, grinning, gourds on my step. How did it sneak up on me? 

Sunday, December 1, 2013

A Vagina Monologue

When I fired up the magic fire box (also known as the computer) today, my eyes were assaulted by a headline that said Sharon Osbourne had her vagina tightened. 

Let’s take a moment to let that sink in. Vagina…tightened…those two words were in the same sentence. 

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Cell No!

This week the FCC announced that they are considering allowing passengers to use cell phones while in flight. The response has not been very positive. 

Dear FCC, let me set the scene for you…

Thursday, November 21, 2013

"Happy Birthday Tina"

Can you feel the crackle of excitement in the air? Christmas has come early my friends. I have scored a piece of fictional gold from a famous Hollywood writer (for anonymity, we will call him... Dexter Pangborn). Enjoy!

“Happy Birthday Tina!” By Dexter Pangborn

OUT-GOING MESSAGE: "This is Tina. I can’t get to the phone right now, but please leave me a message. Bye-bye!"

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Walnuts of War

Today there were three. Three black walnuts sitting on my door step. Those rat bastards really know how to yank my collar. I’ll get them. I. Will. Get. Them.  

My name is C.U. Frank. I am a Boston Terrier and the alpha canine in A/I/K/E’s rescued pack. My full name is Crazy Uncle Frank, I was named after a beloved relative that seriously went off the deep end. I had…issues. I was sick. I would hide dirty socks in my human brothers back pack, steal his shoes and bury them in my cave/crate, pee in his room. Hence the C.U. I’m much better now and I prefer not to think of my puppy mill days. 

Monday, November 11, 2013

All Wind and Piss

I hate to say it, but there are many things that piss me off. My ‘pissyness’ scale ranges from a mild ‘huh, ain’t that some shit’ to turning into the ‘Incredible She-Hulk’. (My color is not green, it’s more of a heart attack reddish purple.) Anyway, as you can see it’s a very wide scale and it is very rare that I go full-on ‘She-Hulk’. The past few weeks, I have been ‘collecting’ things that have pissed me off. None are ‘She-Hulk’ worthy, but they are irritating all the same

Sunday, November 3, 2013

I Love Joan Rivers

Friday was a great day for me! First, I was able to stay up past 8PM (still getting use to waking up at 4 AM for work…DOH). Second, I went to see Joan Rivers live onstage at a local casino. She was….amazing.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Miss Me?

Did you miss me?

I thought I would write while I was on vacation in Disney World, but alas I was wrong. Something is wrong when a vacation makes you more tired than you were when you went there. It was fun – but exhausting.

Monday, October 14, 2013

Going To The Happiest Place On Earth!

Hello all!! I am on vacation until October 19th - what follows may not be humor (assuming any of it ever is) or commentary - this is my version of journaling.

DORY, 'Finding Nemo': Hey, look. "Esc-a-pay". I wonder what that means? That's funny, it's spelled just like the word "escape."

Sunday, October 6, 2013

October Daze

(There were some suggestions for this particular post from the ex-hubs twice removed. I’m sure it will come out of my alimony.)

I love October in the Northeast. The leaves on the trees are changing color and falling. The smell of un-harvested rotting fruit stings the air. People illegally burn carcinogenic yard waste. The weather can be muggy or nippy, but always undependable. And all of the NFL teams are bathed in neon pink.

Pink! I know!

Monday, September 30, 2013

Sweat Cycle

I don't like to be wet and I really hate to sweat. If I sweat, then I’ll have to shower and get wet again, only to do something else that will make me sweat. Then I’ll need another shower. 

Do you see the cycle here? Before you know it you’ve spent your whole day wet (sweating and showering)! 

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Careless Whiskers

I have noticed a troubling trend amongst some men…long, biblical, raggedy, scruffy, pubic looking masses of facial hair…also known as a beard. I can only assume that those wacky rubes from ‘Duck Dynasty’ are the inspiration for this hideous style. Fight it men, be brave and fight it! 

I will admit I don’t mind the roguish looking, well manicured, permanent five o’clock shadow. But those endless strands of facial twine rubbing against my body are just unattractive, painful, and honestly grody (eww, I just threw up a little in my mouth).

Friday, September 20, 2013

Obese of My Mind

I’m going to put this out there right now. I’m overweight. Depending on which (or witch) doctor I visit I'm obese, and some say morbidly obese. I’m working on it. 

Don’t get me wrong, you won’t see me headless on the evening news when they show footage of fat people walking around doing the things ‘Normal’s’ do. I tend to hide like a ninja. 

Monday, September 16, 2013

September 19th, International Talk Like A Pirate Day

Avast me hearties! Arrrr, S’tember 19th be 'International Talk Like a Pirate Day'. Aye, ‘n ye best belay yer plans ‘n fill yer pie hole wit’ grog else ye be walkin’ th’ plank! Ye scurvy bastards ov’ a pustulant bilge rat! Savvy?

When my son was but a lad (he’s in his early 20’s now), he came home from school one day with an eye patch and a joke. 

Friday, September 13, 2013

My 'twerk' for Blogger Idol

A friend of mine sent me a link for a writing contest called 'Blogger Idol'.

Me: You're outta your mind. I just started blogging!

Her: It doesn't matter. It's for everyone, even bloggers with no followers.

Me: Hey! I have followers! Okay only six, but they follow the hell out of my blog!

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Invasion of the Thing's Body Snatchers

Whilst scanning the online headlines, I noticed something in the science section that sounded a little familiar. It read something like ‘Researchers have found signs of microbe life pulled from the bottom of an ice-covered lake in Antarctica. Signs of life nearly one hundred thousand years old.

Interesting…haven’t I heard this before?

Monday, September 9, 2013

Being Nice Makes Me Physically Ill

Sunday afternoon I realized I was not well. I had a the master of all migraine headaches. I felt physically wiped out and achy. Actual. Physical. Pain. The whole weekend we had beautiful fall weather. I did enjoy spending a majority of my time outside. Fresh air, getting 'things' done, many dog walks, why was I not feeling well? 

Friday, September 6, 2013

The Male Stupid Gene

I propose an experiment. Take one married/divorced woman from every culture and country. Different languages. Different values. Different religions. Different mind sets all together. 

Now put them all in a conference room or a convention center. On a big screen, a PowerPoint presentation asks them to make a list of the top 10 things that really bother them about their men (male children, husbands, boyfriends).

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Diana Nyad Confession

I have a secret. Please keep my confidence because I'm a little embarrassed about it. I mean everyone else is making such a big deal about it.

It must be just me, right? 

I just don't give a shit that Diana Nyad swam from Cuba to Florida (without a shark cage).

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Feet Are Gross

I don’t like feet. Even properly cared for feet are disgusting. That’s why feet are located under the ass. Feet are so gross even the ass needed a long leg to separate it from those germ carrying, corn pocked, bunion bent, poo squashing, flakey, sponges of stink. 

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Un-Productive Tuesday...

9 AM: Get coffee. Fire up laptop and sit in front of it. Tick…tick…tick...Nothing...

9:05 AM: Lets see what's happening in the world today. View online news sites. The entire west coast has brush fires. Not good. Awww, cute puppy…

Friday, August 23, 2013

Nerd By Proxy

Dear friends, I have a confession to make. For a long time, I tried to hide it. With age, I have grown to accept it and finally embrace it.

I…(sniff, sniff. This is so hard)…I have 'nerd' tendencies. (gasp)

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Knock, Knock...

We've all seen them. AT&T's ad campaign 'It's not complicated' featuring adorable children with a robotic adult straight man. Set in a class room, the adult chats with the delightful tots making the commercial and dialog seem unscripted.  

About Me

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A writer exercising the writing muscle.